I am here, because ‘I AM’ is inside here…
The room was dark as the cool fall breeze blew through the tiny crack in the living room window. I sat there, with the high pitched ringing in my ears from my tinnitus. I had noticed it years ago, but it wasnt until recently that i had taken notice to how bad it had really gotten. I realized how I naturally seemed to always have some type of noise playing in the background to cancel it out inside my head, but that night with the house quite and alone, it was ringing louder than before.
Tonight it seemed to be almost blaring as I sat in the recliner looking out the window… looking for some type of hope in my life. I wanted to think that there was a light at the end of the tunnel i found myself in, I just couldnt see it yet…. I thought, “maybe there is gonna be help just around the next corner,” only to look up and simply see a straight line that only went towards the horizon, with no end in site… just the same dreadful outcome lay ahead. The simple fact was my mind was thinking that things would get better, some how and in some way… but my spirit didnt believe any of it.
The room began to grow darker…. because the same darkness I knew once before continued to lurk around me once again. How many times have I asked God why? Why this, why that, why me? And still you sit there empty and without any answers… that was me.
I had gone through a situation that triggered past darkness that month… I was then later informed that I would not be paid for a paycheck and would have to wait and carry on till the next paycheck. To follow that up, things were continuing to break around me, hundreds of dollars here, hundreds there. Every week it seemed as if things were just continuing to get worse.
Why am I even here?
I told and reminded myself countless times the things I had accomplished. The impacts I had made. The achievements I had earned through my hard work, and the many blessings God continued to give me. But it wasn’t able to fill the void of emptiness that remained inside me.
As that emptiness filled my mind with doubt, my spirit continued to be sorrounded by the darkness that crawled its way to my chair. As I sat in the chair looking out the window, the darkness enveloped me like a blanket.
Helplessness and hoplessness were at the forefront of my mind. Doubt erased any motivation that attempted to rise up, while fear, even though self generated by my own thoughts, appeared to be my only future.
I simply told myself to “hold on”, but, “hold on to what?” That was the question I couldnt even answer myself, nor did I feel like I was getting any answers from God. As the night sailed further on, the only thing I had was, “just hold on”.
I had been in this dark place before, and even before that, as a young teenager I was even at the point of thinking of suicide. Though you can overcome these thoughts, satan will always wait in the darkness of your mind… wait for the perfect opportunity to not just drag you, but pull you down in to his grave.
Every night for over a month, I had to hold on to every last bif of thread, and it connected to the echo of Gods voice, saying “hold on”… I had to lift up all my burdens, as I simply walked daily feeling as if I was just an empty shell.
I didnt know which way to turn, but I simply had to motivate myself to try and do my best every day… and on one random day when I woke up, I realized that my troubles simply started fading away as I watched God make the blocks I needed fall exactly in to place.
A peace and understanding of Gods loving overwatch and protection was brough in to a new understanding. I realized, that my God, who simply said “I AM”, the God of wonders that declared to all creation in existence that He alone was the God of all, was the same God that lives inside my soul. When He tells His children that He has a plan for us… He means it.
I am here, because I AM is not done with me. God uses us in so many ways and in so many peoples lives that we don’t even realize it. Many times we are struck down in a complete depression for the position and place that God has brought us to, that we sometimes forget God is keeping us there for a specific reason, and calling us to fulfill a specific purpose in His plan.
I AM has not abandoned us, but simply needed us to be a light in a dark world… God knows that darkness, depression, doubt, fear, and loneliness are attacking us daily, yet He knows that this suffering is able to be overcome, and He knows that peace, joy, and enlightenment is awaiting us who weather the storm.
I Am has brought me here, to this point in time and space for a specific reason. He is not done using me, therefore, wherever the road leads I must be willing to keep pressing forward, “holding on” to his promises, and knowing that we are simply there doing work for Him and His glory.
The mountain trail God leads us on is not easy. It is filled with jagged rocks and boulders. Deep crevices and cliff faces. Loose rock that slips beneath our feet, wind, rain, ice, snow that tries to defeat us. But He brings us along this path because there are many others hurting around us as well, for we are not alone in the daily fight. So give love in His name. Tell others how much you appreciate them. Give more hugs to one another, because we all need the comfort of loving arms wrapped around us in moment of hurting.
We are here, because I Am resides inside us, and resides here amongst us. So love one another, and always try to let others know you love them. My time on earth has not come to an end, because God is still needed me for His work, and I must be faithful to His will. This chapter of darkness is over, and I am sure i will face many more. But I am here and will remain here till I AM calls me home to be with Him.